A Day

I’m so close to acting out today.  Big time.  I’ve been chasing women like never before.  It’s getting bad, and I have no one to be accountable to.  In fact, I think I’ve chosen it that way.  I want to act out.  But I’m a sex addict, so of course I want to.  But I shouldn’t?

Who am I?

Paranoia in my heels

Will you love me still

when we awake and see that the sanity has gone from my eyes…

Where the Circle Starts

It’s impulsive.  Any of it, really.

I’ve been really good this week.  I haven’t been stressing out so much about others, and I haven’t really gotten close to going online to look at things in my inner circle.  And it wasn’t until today that I even thought about looking at the blog of the girlfriend (former, of course).

So, within 10 seconds of getting the idea, there was 9 seconds of resisting, and then I was on the page.

The cool thing is is that I didn’t really know what she was talking about, who she was referring to, and so forth.  I have no insight into her life anymore.  And instead of getting sad, I kinda smiled.  Of course her life is moving forward!  And the truth is that cheating or not, she’s better off without having to think about the entire debacle.  She’s finally living her life.

And it seems, as I smiled, that maybe I’m starting to do the same.

Cheating

If ruining the greatest relationship of your life based on one drunken night isn’t addiction, then what could it possibly be?

Step Back from the Platform

Here it comes again...

Do you ever have that feeling that you’ve been waiting on that train of sanity and serenity to come and pick you up?  What happens when it comes barreling at you while you’re standing on the platform (or even when you’re wasting away on the bathroom floor in the station)?

Maybe it should have handlebars to grab onto or a net to jump into or something.  I don’t want to miss it this time.

Since when?

Has it really been this long?  Did I bail out on everything?

Life is passing me by.  But I’m ready to recover.

In the past two weeks, my wife put it in no uncertain terms that she really couldn’t see me anymore.  Then I gathered all of my things out of our apartment, put them all into my car, and cried in the parking lot.  Then I had no choice but to pull out into the street and drive away, signaling some sort of finality.

Then I talked to my girlfriend again, though we were on a break.  We talked, then she got displeased that it wasn’t me taking the steps toward divorce – it was me watching and letting my wife decide the path.  She got scared of that, and of being the other woman.  We then vowed to talk no more, write no more letters, have no more communication.  At all.  Maybe ever.  The first day was hard, but with every day I moved forward.  One day I got into an argument with her friend, and she (gf) contacted me again.  We reconciled, and continued to talk, but then I confessed my hidden sin – my one night of too drunk, unconscious sex (that I stopped during the middle of) with someone I had just met.  I cheated on her.  The person I considered my best friend and my soulmate.  Every other truth I’d ever told her I’d never been disappointed.

But this one was different.  Not only had I cheated, but I had lied.  Coming clean now was apparently too late.

Some have pointed out the irony in this, that someone who cheated on their own bf with a married man (although not physically) is upset that they were cheated on.  But her and I know the spiritual connection that existed, and what we expected of each other.  When I left the apartment, I felt too free.  Maybe she has barely an argument.  Maybe she should be irate.  One good friend has suggested that the only victim here is the wife, and that the girlfriend knows the perils she was getting into.  We had both lied to each other at different points, and forgiven.  But maybe this is different.  She was trying to move on anyway.  Maybe this was the push she needed.

In any case, it’s becoming difficult to reconcile the idea that you could hurt the person you loved the most this much.  Yeah…I should have put up barriers.  I shouldn’t have drank so much.  I should have slept somewhere else.

But I didn’t.

And I have no answers for it.

Addiction is “baffling”, among other things.  It hurts to hear her say that she doesn’t really think I’m addicted…she thinks I’m lazy, that I’m using addiction as an umbrella to hide under.  I’ll admit I wasn’t taking recovery seriously.  If I was, I wouldn’t have messed up that night.  Maybe.  Even if I had, though, if I was taking recovery seriously, I would have told her right away.  I wouldn’t have lied.

But I was scared.  I didn’t understand it.  I knew I was going to lose what was so precious to me.

And I was right.

Accepting

It’s easy to run around in the pits of sin and despair when you’re upset.  When you feel like everything you held on to and is true is vanishing before your eyes, and the only things you can do to stop it will make it worse.  Sometimes.

Nothing like being right in the middle of sin and addiction when someone calls you and wakes you up.  They didn’t know, of course.  But maybe – maybe for a few minutes, maybe for a few days – you sober up and see what’s going on.

Of course, what if that person that you desperately held on changes into another person?  What if the person you’ve wanted and believed you could spend the rest of your life with changes?  And what if that person changes, but only physically, yet permanently physically?

Does that make you terrible for absolutely hating it?  Does it make it worse that contemplating a physical change for “the one” would make you consider leaving them?

This is terrifying.  Nothing new makes sense, and nothing old ever worked.

I run rampant.

As much as I confess God, and as inspiring as His literature is, I can’t turn away from talking about sex to people I’ve barely met online.  As much as I see the face of the person that I love with all my heart and who is saving me, I can’t just throw the evil away.  It’s captured me.  I want to be released from it, but I know that if I get off to these women or even go have sex with them, not only with the pull to be completely honest overwhelm me, but I will have such a wide swath of demoralization that I will cringe every time I see something good.  It makes me chase the bad things more, and I hate it.

Pull me out.

Because I’m going back for more, and I hate it.

So.  It should be duly noted that I’m a recovering sex addict.  It says it about me in my about me.  Read these things.

The interesting thing is that I don’t think anyone knows it.  You wouldn’t know it by looking at me.  (I promise. Hopefully.)  The biggest problem, to me, isn’t my acting out behaviors.

It’s my erratic thought process, and the fact that I am so mentally untamed I am prone to impulsive behaviors that don’t make any sense, sexually or not.

I went to therapy today for the first time in over a month, and I didn’t even get through everything I wanted to say.  That’s ok.  I will have more time, and honestly, explaining everything again takes forever.  Writing is a big help.  So thanks a lot WordPress.

I want to write about other things so desperately.  But this consumes my whole life right now.  God must be intertwined in it because I cannot fit anything else in.  The first week feels like all the other weeks.  But I promised.  And when I promised, I meant it.

Day 4.

Things are Tough

SAA meetings only work if you put into the effort.  Attendance isn’t the factor in victory.

And, yet again, I leave the meeting with less joy and peace and conviction than other people attending.  I feel like I’m walking out more depressed and with more reason to act out.

I had a fight with my girlfriend today, and then I cried with my wife, and things are definitely going downhill.  I wanted to crush anything in my hands today.  I thought it might be fun to drink myself to bar time tonight too.  But then, where does sobriety go?

Day 3.

Tonight I’m feeling better.  Finally.

Yeah, I know.  It’s all messed up.